I suffer from chronic foot-in-mouth syndrome which can only be cured with omnipotence. If anyone has a little going spare, send it this way. “Where’d you go? I miss you so, seems like its been forever, that you’ve been gone” After more than a week of trying (and failing) to get David to talk to me, I decided it was finally time to end things. I put on my brave hat, puff out my chest and start writing:” juvenile, hurtful and unkind behavior… no choice but to end this… I’m sorry…” I stop and think for a minute “Is this what I really want?” my heart is screaming no, but deep down, I know I need to press send. Eyes closed, 3… 2… 1… “YOUR MESSAGE HAS BEEN SENT!”
Groan, I regret it already, perhaps I’m the one who needs to grow some balls… I slowly open my eyes and look around. The world didn’t end. The dog is asleep on her back, fluffy paws twitching, the clock still ticks softly behind me, a breeze blows through the open window… Did anything really change? Life goes on, with or without David… I have to go to work soon. Dinner, shower, clothes, shoes, keys, taxi!
Work is busy and I’m in with the geeks, again tonight. Its warm with all the computers in the room and I don’t feel well, the room is spinning. I take a break, shuffle to the break room and lie on the floor, close my eyes and rest. My boss walks in and gives me a lecture about anorexia and how I feel faint because I need to eat. I guess he doesn’t know about the pizza, the Chinese and the three candy bars I’ve just eaten… He tells me to go home and come back tomorrow when I’ve eaten. I’m not really in the mood to argue so I pick myself up and home I go. Taxi! city lights, people, noise, LIFE, home, bed.
I lie in my big fluffy bed staring at the walls… Did something happen to him? Should I have waited longer before ending things? My eyes fill with tears, why am I so confused? I sleep, badly. I pull my laptop onto my bed to play a little Tetris… Surely that’ll help me sleep, right? PING! “gmail, (1),” David replied to that pretty quickly, I think to myself. I read his email, “Sorry… I didn’t mean to hurt you… had other things on my mind… my friend died on the third…” at least now I know he wasn’t talking to me because he’d had a horrible accident. I puff out my chest again, I guess I made the right decision. Wait, his friend what?! Guilt, tears, regret, concern, anger, upset.
Oh. He wasn’t talking to me because his friend died. I feel as though breaking up with him was cold hearted. No. He said his friend died on the third, that’s only four days ago, I count on my fingers. He’s been ignoring me long before that. I feel a little warmer hearted. “Omnipotence is the only cure”As for the giant foot in my mouth, if he didn’t tell me, I couldn’t have known – Non est mea culpa. Even so, if someone offered me a jar of omnipotence, I wouldn’t reject it. I don’t like the taste of my own foot in my mouth. If I’m so sympathetic to his position, why am I so angry at him? Confusion, hurt, sympathy, anger, guilt.
I reply, he replies, I reply, he replies… The progress is slow and we achieve little more than exchanging apologies. Who’s knows where things will go?
