Two Jewish mothers

My new asthma meds are kicking my butt today so instead of running around saving the world (from what, I don’t know…) I’m sitting here writing a new blog post. On the bright side though, my inhaler is now purple and has a little counter so I can see how much is left… Its all pretty nifty…

It seems that ever since I came up with the “anyone with a penis will be shot” rule, the penis endowed folk of New York are determined to prove me right. I think most girls would agree with me in saying that men simply don’t “do” hints but what happens when they simply don’t “do” more obvious than being smacked in the face with a brick?

I cannot even begin to describe how fed up I am of a select group of people who just don’t get it. For starters, I explained to one person why I wasn’t interested in being anything more than friends eleven times and judging by the message I got this morning, I’d say he still doesn’t quite understand. I suppose its my fault though, the words, “I’m not interested in dating you” are obviously far too ambiguous. The same goes for the guy who sends me photos of himself at the gym to show how much he’s “working out for me…” because of course, sending me pictures of that pale jelly belly of yours is riddled with sex appeal. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous.

As a little side note, Stacey also made a post about the rule on her blog which makes for some pretty good reading. Click it, go on, I dare you (but not until you’re done with my blog).

…and now, onto a little bit about a boy I do like… but only really to embarrass him. A few days ago I was sitting “studying” (it usually means talking to people on MSN, reading a book or doing some serious photoshopping) and Danny calls me from the other room and says: “Uhh um er oh, Anaaaaaaa, Bojangles has your, um, you know…” At first, I really was totally innocent and asked him what she had only to be met with the reply “your… you know… things” which is as ever, very descriptive and helpful…until I realized he was just too embarrassed to say “tampon.” I’m a really nice person so I thought I’d make him say it for my own personal enjoyment. The conversation went a little like this:

Ana “everything in here is mine, Daniel, what are you on about”
Daniel “Your…. you know… THINGS”
Ana“DANNY WOULD YOU TELL ME WHAT THING THE DOG IS CHEWING”
Daniel “you know… those things you use sometimes”
Ana“I use lots of things sometimes”
Daniel “for you know… girl problems…”
Ana“Oh my chocolate? You should really take that off her, its not good for her”
Daniel “No, the other things…”
Ana“WHAT THINGS”
Daniel “Ana just come and look at it”
Ana“why don’t you take it off her if it bothers you so much”
Daniel “Its… a you know… girl thing”
Ana“My lip gloss? Eye liner? purse? MY WHAT DANIEL”
Daniel “Ana your…” *small voice* “tampon”

…if only it wasn’t so fun to do that to him. And now to share a little of what’s in my pants… as always:

• After months and months and months of learning how to fly, I finally have my pilots license. Yays! Now all I have to do is find somewhere to fly to.. Hmm
• Since my last post, I have had nine hits from people searching for “penis drawings” and three from people searching “giant penis.” If you’re wondering, they’re finding the post Penis Drawings and Giant Kangaroos each time.
• I ran half a mile, jumped one wall and three benches while wearing 2″ heels with pointy toes in order to regain control of my passport which, as everybody knows, contains the least flattering photograph of me, ever.
• I’m considering making some kind of “art” out of the many inhalers I seem to have lying around my apartment. The sooner I never ever have to see/use one ever again, the better. Plus… you know.. they give you funny budges when they’re in your pocket.
• My week has had a definite vomit/slime theme to it starting with the lovely person who barfed onto my shoes (where it then soaked onto the inside) which was then closely followed by slipping on some slime in the nastiest, dirtiest crack house on the planet and putting my ungloved hand in a nice little puddle of ice cold, semi digested carrot chunks. Finally, yesterday, things were topped off with some autopsy induced nausea although it was the n00bs, not mine… I’m getting pretty good at deducing what someone has been eating… I’m sure its useful… for something?
• I’ve been suffering hives all week… I’m itchy. Could someone pleeeeeeease scratch my back!
• I started reading Catch 22 this week and have fallen totally in love with it. Now all I need is someone to donate me a few hours to finish it… If you have any spare time you’re not going to use, feel free to mail it to me
• I’m started teaching some of my moms friends kids (and their friends) ASL this week. Their mom is almost the definition of a Jewish mother, just like mine. And because she’s both Jewish and like my mother, she kept trying to feed me cinnamon balls and honey cake (none of which I tried very hard to resist… We all know Jew food is the nicest thing ever!) while commenting “Oy, you’re so thin… you’re just skin and bones… doesn’t your bother ever feed you?”

The calorific floating shoe

I’ve been awake since about 4:30 thanks to my delightful new doglet, Bojangles. She’s around 6 inches tall, brunette and enjoys long walks on the beach… Seriously though, the micro dog has a thing for shoes, as does any real lady, only these are my shoes.

Last night I put both my shoes on the floor but seconds later, I was left with one and without a dog. After much rummaging, the shoe was nowhere to be seen and I gave up looking… Until this morning. Its hard to ignore the fact something is hitting your bed hard enough to make it shake so I reached out to feel whatever it was; Cold, wet something or another, lumpy rubber something else, long thing stringy thingy… My shoe is attacking my bed? Of all things my shoe? In a somewhat sleepy effort to cure it, I grabbed the shoe and pulled it, complete with attached puppy, onto my stomach… Catching Bojangles was slightly like trying to grab hold of a greased pig. As I write this, she’s chasing the mouse pointer around the screen and attacking my fingers as I type. She’s a smart one, she is.

Anyway, now I’m awake, I may as well get on with writing a halfway decent post… I’m working today (although you wouldn’t know it) with my new partner, Mark because Nick is being a BIG FAT ATTENTION WHORE. Earlier in the week, Nick had some more head related “issues” so he can’t work for a little while… I actually think it’s just an excuse because he’s too embarrassed to admit his brain fell out while he was in the shower but anyway… Judging by the number of “SOS Send steak” text messages I’ve gotten from him, I’m sure he’s getting better so he can come save me from a few of Marks finest jokes… Let me share one of his most recent attempts at humor:

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need”. “I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure.” said officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Davidson) and he’s…just working away at this pumpkin.” Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’ He got real surprised as you’d expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,

“A pumpkin? Damn… is it midnight already?”

I’m almost at a point where I don’t blame him for making jokes like that. Things have been so quiet recently we have to entertain ourselves somehow… and this leads me onto the story of a lesser-known pirate, Seamen Stains. Things were getting pretty boring and, as the new guy hadn’t really been harassed yet, I took it upon myself to make sure he was… You know how it is. Thanks to my quick thinking and origami skills, I made myself a nice pirate hat and ran over to him going “Arrr I be seamen stains” *snicker snicker* Mature? Me? Always.

Although, I have a bone to pick with guys in general… Before I begin, I must mention that all abuse regarding this issue should be directed at Stacey, my partner in crime.

We have a rule.. Its called the “Anyone with a penis will be shot” rule. Most guys, in New York at least, appear to have some “asshole” quality built right in… There are varying types of penis-graced asshole so lets see…

1. The older and very married man - he seems to think affairs are both acceptable and necessary, especially with younger girls. If he is confronted about wanting an affair, he’s quite happy to pin it on the fact “she’s just so hot…” as you do.
2. The one who just can’t take a hint even if it smacks him in the face - that’s right, when we say we’re not interested, we don’t mean keep telling us until we want to smack you in the face with a brick.
3. That guy you work with who knows what he’s saying is inappropriate but he’ll carry on anyway - who knows, it might make you like him (if you’re really that stupid…)

…actually its just easier to say, at least 95% of guys, if not more… And on that note, if you think you’re in that other 5%, you’re very much mistaken. I don’t hate all guys, just most of them *innocent grin*

But now on to far more important things… The things that are in… *drum roll* MY PANTS!

• I am suffering from a severe craving for oranges and orange juice… I’m almost certain that if I eat any more, I will in fact turn into one but as Alex said, its probably from the alien baby (he’s a geek, his imagination is limited) I’m apparently carrying
• I’ve lost so much weight, a size 0 is starting to get just a little bit too big so I can no longer buy pants to fit my chicken legs or wear skirts without looking as though I have string hanging from them. Steroids are bad mmmmkay?
• I require much calorie enriched goodness in the form of; rocky road, honey cake and other assorted Jew food, krispy kremes, chocolate milkshakes, hot chocolate (with marshmallow and cream, obviously) and a vast array of candy… Please donate to stop me disappearing (or punching people who ask if I’m anorexic and then believe I’m in denial when I tell them I’m fine).
• I’m back at college having my mind expertly numbed by a team of sharp witted professors (some sarcasm should be noted).
• I’ve completely taken my apartment to pieces in order to rid myself of the crap that builds up and found a few rather unusual items in the form of: an old year book, a cast of my teeth from when I was a geek with braces (now I’m just a geek with great teeth) and letters from people I wasn’t even aware I knew.

Finally, hi Cindi!

*shuffles slowly away*

I can seeeeeeee you

I was looking through the visitors on my blog earlier and this person, visits every day! If thats you, leave a comment ’cause I’m curious to know who my “fan” is!!!

Host Name 165.206.16.130
IP Address 165.206.16.130
ISP IOWA COMMUNICATIONS NETWORK
Domain IA.US
City DES MOINES
Region IOWA
Country UNITED STATES
Returning Visits 16

I’ve also found out, a lot of people are reaching my blog from googling the following:

1. penis drawings - I really hate to think what these people were expecting…
2. what does arribiata mean/
3. painter decorator
4. gavarilka
5. digging for severage
6. ashley peachy ass - I’m not even going to ask…