Hula girls, jewel encrusted structures and a whole lot of Percocet

For some strange reason I didn’t want to take a week off work last week but, having spent all night working (and all morning not sleeping), I’m not really sure why… Anyway, a result of this ponderance and many others, I am now sitting at my computer (technically, under it as I use a laptop) blogging for you people. So really, I suppose a nice place to start for this week/month/year is at the beginning, however, the beginning is boring so we will begin with the middle… isn’t that lovely?

My mother, the grupenfuhrer, sent me to the scareport at times when only the insane (or working) are awake to pick up her friend. It might have been her friend but you know, at difficult times of day, it’s easier just to inflict pain on your daughter instead of doing things for yourself. So, into my stinky car (which now smells of bubblegum) for a looooooong drive to JFK… iTrip, iPod, car radio? Whatever.

So, I’m standing around waiting to meet her (with my bright pink hair) and the large, jewel encrusted structure *cough* I mean, my moms friend comes waddling up to me followed by a tall, reasonably plain looking guy dragging what looks like half of Europe packed into cases. I later found out the boy was in fact her son but more about that later…

“Oh Ana… You look [pause] different”
“Thanks, I just got new hair”
“Uh yeah… so anyway, where is your car?”

We walk to the car in silence and the baggage monkey follows. He helps her put the bags in the trunk and jumps into the back seat… Considering that the bejewelled structure, eee sorry again, mom’s friend has failed to even acknowledge him, I find this a little strange. The silence continues until we’re out of the airport and heading back into the city when…

“YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY! I NEED TO STOP OFF AT MY FRIENDS HOUSE FIRST”
“Riiiiiiiiiiight, where is your friend?”
“Near Long Island” she says shrieking at me to turn here. Since when was I a taxi driver? Oh, and she still hasn’t explained the boy in the back of my car!

Eventually, we pull up to a house (after she yells “stop right here”) and she jumps out, rummages around in the trunk and then disappears inside (the house not the trunk, sadly).

“I’m sorry about her… Moms always like that” He speaks!!!
“Its okay” I reply lying though gritted teeth. I get no answer but at least I now know he’s her son and not a kidnapper/keeper/parole officer.

The structure reappears, jumps into the car hard enough that I swear she could have burst the tires and off we go again. At various places she yells at me to stop before running (more of a penguin type waddle) into a number of houses. I finally decide that, after an hour of this, I really needed to get back home. I told her mom was waiting and needed us to hurry up so we couldn’t stop again. Her protests were ignored as I turned the radio up and put my foot down. Sweeeeeeeeeet.

So after breaking a few speed limits and running a couple of stop signs (not really), we’re back in Manhattan and almost at my moms apartment when the beast makes the whole experience even MORE exciting… She tries to set me up with her semi-invisible son. (For the record Stacey, I made my excuses and said no… there may or may not be another boy in the picture).

On another, more positive note, I can just about manage to talk to my father without feeling quite so disgusted. In fact, he bought me the ultimate in gross for my car… A hula girl. I looooooooove her so much! I think everyone should have one. I do, however, worry that he thinks I’m really male (Boys wear skirts too, right David? *wink*) as my gift was accompanied by car shampoo, wax and other assorted car cleaning products. On the other hand though, it was pretty damn satisfying to clean my own car… A little too satisfying if you ask me…

Those two things combined where in fact, the highlights of my week. Actually, when I think about it… spending a few days whacked out on moon juice (percocet) was also reasonablllllly good although not very exciting for the onlookers. In my mind though, my days were full of sparkly horses (unicorns maybe), glitter, cake and most of all loincloths. Stacks of them to be exact… No one to wear them though, sadly.

Realizing I haven’t actually explained the week off work or the moon juice, I’m now going to be very vague and shady with the circumstances surrounding the issue. At this point, Craig, I feel the need to make it clear that all of this stuff was reasonably innocent before you go off fantasising about naked beavers… I will go as far as to say, it involved screws (the kind you use to hold together your furniture NOT the reproductive kind), Nicholas, 10 stitches, three x-rays and an assortment of different flavours of moon juice. Add to that a fungal infection in my mouth (from my inhaler, you dirty thing, you) and I was having quite a party.

As a side note, live yogurt not only causes me to gag but it turns my thoughts to matters of yogurt men living in my stomach. They’d have cities, play drums and run around a campfire… Uhhhh, maybe the yogurt was a little bit old.

Also, I feel I should share last night at work with you… For this week, and this week alone, I have a n00blet following me around. The idea is that she’ll see what I do and then want to take my place when I finally leave next year (yays… more about that later). I remember my first day with Nick. He sent me to look get him “the gloves with spots on.” Being eager to please, I happily bounced off to discover, after 10 minutes of searching, no such thing as latex gloves with spots on. So as this little memory appeared at the most perfect of times… guess what I did.

“Kaydence… could you please go and get me the gloves with the spots on?”

It was a little bit funny but since it had been used, I really felt as though I should create something new, just for her. It worked as follows… As I saw Nick walking up the hall, I commented to her that he didn’t work here although he’d tell everyone he did. He even had a fake ID and really, the only way to remove him was to tackle him first. She nodded and we formulated a plan to “take him down.” It worked rather well, I thought… It was also a great way to introduce her to Nicholas. At least he won’t forget her in a hurry *innocent smile*

I rather like having my own partner in crime.

I hate the place I work right now but I know I only have until next May (or so) until I can go and do something else. My boss has suddenly changed his mind on being nice and has scheduled me to work at awkward times so I can’t go to my EMT classes or have any free time to myself to do other things. I talked to him and all he could say was “we’ll discuss it at the end of the month” when he knows full well that I’ll be away. (I’m going skiing for thanksgiving). Only 7 months, only 7 months, only 7 months….

Oh, and finally, my phone got caught in my laundry pile and ended up going into the washing machine. The whole thing is completely and utterly borked so it looks like I’ll be buying a new, wash proof phone… Any suggestions?

Someone give me a hug

A couple of days ago, some moronic teenager punched out my car window in an attempt to look cool, as you do… It’s not great when you want to go to work but it’s not the end of the world. Since the whole plastic taped over the window look isn’t exactly the kind of thing I was going for (and its far too cold to have the window open) I called the place I got it from and they said they’d come get it the next day, fix it and bring it back. Excellent, I thought as I hurried downstairs to remove the balled up Kleenex and empty coffee cups from my car… See what a kind and considerate person I am?

So, the next day, a man appears at my door, takes the key and steals my car for a little while. The morning he left, the car had 3/4 of a tank of gas… When it was returned this afternoon, there was barely 1/4 left. Not only that, they’d retuned my radio, covered the car in dust/dirty and someone had smoked in there (No one EVER smokes in my car, EVER). Oh, and finally, before I forget, these morons seem to have wiped their oily, greasy hands ALL OVER MY CREAM LEATHER SEATS.

As soon as I’m less inclined to inflict pain on the ape that inflicted such harm on my car, I’m going to call them and make a very very very big deal out of it. I even have photos and everything…

I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW.

On another note, the searches leading people to my blog this month seem to be slightly more interesting. They are as follows:

“Eat the strawberries”

Penis drawings (of course, I had to get those penis drawings in there somewhere)

Cheerios

“Kid was so fat”

Penis gore – I think of all of them, I find this the most worrying.

Oh, and on a final note, the cold is making my ribs sore… I feel like a creaky old lady.

Lame.

A little pretty

Penis drawings, adult footise pyjamas and birthday surprizes for those unable to flirt

As I sit here and write this, my puppy is alternating between sitting on my shoulder and lying on my arms as she oversees my work. Okay, as she watches the cursor move across the screen. In dog world though, aren’t they the same thing?

There are some very strange people visiting my blog at the moment. In the time since my last post, I have had:

• Nine people searching for “Penis drawings”
• Three people searching for “Adult footsie pyjamas”
• One person looking for “Plans for birthday surprizes”
• One person searching “unable to flirt”

To those searching for penis drawings, may I recommend the New York Subway, the desks at my college or maybe even just take a little walk down a darkened alley. Be sure to take an adult with you to hold your hand though kids, there are some mean penis drawings out there..

For the three people who found my blog searching for adult footsie pyjamas, perhaps this is what you were looking for. I’m not sure they sell the ones with floppy bunny ears and a tail but I’m sure it’s worth a shot. If any of you are looking to impress someone special in those raunchy pyjamas of yours, they do them in leopard print too! Hell, why not even get them as a little birthday surprise for someone… Surprise…? yes. Good surprise…? maybe not.

Finally, for Mr lonely, I’m sure you can find a starting point to get to know one of the many people who have come here in the hope they’ll find a phallic drawing. Keep on hoping guys, you sure won’t find one here.

And now onto far more pressing matters. A little over a week ago, I was having one of those days (you know… the ones where you go to work) and my iPod decided it had finally had enough of being poked, prodded and filled with Linux so it decided to die on me. I tried to reset, update and restore but nothing worked. One day outside of the guarantee and he was gone.

I’m sure apple have some sort of remote “iPod crippling” device that kills them off so you have to buy a new one. I mean really, who can live without a little music on the way to and from work? So anyway, the next morning, I pootled off to the apple store and handed over my credit card (which at the time was screaming) in exchange for a shiny new ear friend. I am now the proud new owner of a remastered iPod Nano. The photos don’t really do it justice, they’re really rather cute.

A few thoughts on my new toy are as follows:

1. The new packaging is far better. No ugly silver foil envelopes you just can’t open without scissors, no 100 different sections to root through before you find what you want… Just plain, hot, beautiful packaging.
2. new headphones. I *still* think they look as though they have some kind of genetic disorder, however, the grey bits are now soft rubber and the sound is much better than the old ones. They’re more comfy too.
3. the new casing of the iPod its self. It looks much, much, much better “in person” than in photos as you can actually appreciate how tiny it really is. There’s none of that iPod mini clunkiness going on… Nope.

   On the downside though, the layout on the bottom of the nano is different so the previous headphones (the ones that you can hang around your neck) and such don’t quite fit which is slightly annoying. You choice of color is also limited by the size of the iPod you want to buy, for example, the 8GB nano only comes in black and the 2GB is only in silver.

4. the brighter screen. I’m really not sure what’s going on here. Its possible I’m just completely blind but I’m really not seeing the difference. Okay, well, I am but its so minute, its more likely to be due to the fact the screen on my old iPod is filthy.
5. Search! Finally! I cannot tell you how long I’ve waited for a search feature on an iPod. Its cute, well integrated and works brilliantly. Very, very fast too. No complaints here!
6. Letters when you’re scrolling. When you scroll through your song list reasonably fast, a grey, semi-transparent box appears showing the letter you’re browsing through… VEEEEEEEERY useful if you’re looking for something and keep missing songs starting with “m” etc… You get the idea.
7. The battery life… holy mother of God, I’ve been listening to my iPod for 6 or 7 hours now and the battery meter at the top isn’t even 1/4 of the way down. That ladies and gentlemen is impressive.

-fin-

Things in general, though, seem to be at a total standstill. I’m stuck trying to find entertainment to pass the time until I can leave New York and study abroad. I’m certain my current job is not something I really want to continue for the rest of my life although I can just about bear it until I leave next summer… Besides, money is money no matter which sin you stab in the butt to get it.

Money however, cannot buy you out of boredom or insomnia. Thankfully, for that there is Java and Ruby as well as physics and math – Did I mention I wear my pants up to my armpits, have milk bottle glasses and snort when I laugh? Okay, not quite but one day… One day, I will turn into a geekified version of my mother. (That blood-curdling scream you just heard? Yeah, that was me realizing my fate!)

In my very loose pants:

• I have finally learned about Male Restroom Etiquette thanks to this informative YouTube video. Go on, give it a try… Apparently peeing is somewhat complicated for the simple minded half of the species
• I swear to God, I’m not a man hater, just a man not interesteder. For now at least, until someone utterly incredible, gorgeous and rich (joke) comes along, I will have nothing to do with penis “graced” humans on any level above that of a friend. On second thoughts, maybe I’ll add penis “graced” dogs to my list as well… No one likes to go to a friends place and leave with sticky shoes.
• I’m really rather tempted to take part in NaNoWriMo. Who says writing a novel in a month isn’t possible? Uh… me. Besides, who would want to read 175 pages of my ramblings?
• My mother will never continue to amaze me. After spending a few (maybe 6+ a day) working when I really didn’t need to be, I feel a bit run down. My mom of course, is there to help me a little bit as she stands making helpful comments such as “Ana you look really bad, you should go to bed” but then watching me as I struggle to put the sheets on so I can in fact, get some sleep.
• Hopefully, I’ll have a new car by the weekend, which of course, is incredibly useful when I live in Manhattan and drive maybe once or twice a month. That won’t stop me though. Turning down the offer of a free car is insane and I therefore refuse to do so. My logic is, as ever, utterly flawless.

…and now to return to the joys of New York living. Take out sushi!