Melon Heart Along

It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey here… If we’re lucky, it’ll snow in the next few days, meaning, it’s still cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey but it looks pretty outside, which is very important. Not even Switzerland was this cold. *shiver*

I promised I’d tell the story of my new roommate so here goes… Hannah and I met over a corpse a few months ago (all perfectly legal I’ll have you know!). Its not exactly the most common way of meeting friends but it seems to have worked for us. So after many mornings sat in dingy coffee shops around New York discussing the finer points of life, the universe and everything, we got onto the subject of shoes. So how do shoes lead to living together? Well, its perfectly simple, Hannah’s apartment was too small and so full of boys, her shoes were homeless. In my apartment, however, I didn’t have enough shoes to fill the space to maintain a healthy shoe-space balance. Obviously, the fact we were both in such serious and life threatening situations, the only possible cure would be for her to move in here.

Its a little strange living together but we’re getting the hang of it. We both work awkward hours, which usually result in one of us being asleep when the other one gets home. It’s not that difficult… I mean you just come in quietly and don’t bang the doors and such but its not really that simple. See, we’ve both developed this amazing inability to enter/leave the apartment without making the dogs bark and run around in little circles. Well, that or we just trip over things and yell the first four-letter word we can think of - it’s not particularly elegant but who said we have to be?

It’s not all bad though. She and I are both enormous geeks - we even have our own little computer room! Anyway, one night, she left the apartment saying that she’d be gone for “quite a while” and not to worry. At the time, I was somewhat involved with chasing the puppy who’d decided running around the apartment with one of my bras was a really great idea and didn’t think anything of it… -many hours later-
I’m happy pretending to be a giant ball of blankets and pillows when Hannah comes and starts poking me and yelling “I got a Wii, I got a Wii!” you know, as you do. It’s a really normal thing to tell someone at 3am, right? Well, not really. In fact, I didn’t really know what she was talking about and pointed at the bathroom telling her to go if she really needed to. The poking continues while she explains she’s just spent 10,000 hours in Times Square waiting to get a Wii and now she’s got one, she’s going to drag me out of bed so I can “try it out” with her.

EVERYONE NEEDS A WII FOR CHRISTMAS, KTHX.

Anyway, moving along… My family aren’t American and so we don’t really have any interest in Thanksgiving but a holiday is a holiday whether or not you believe in it. Given that only tourists and children hang around in the cold to see the parade and only stupid people brave black Friday, my mom and I decided Switzerland would be a nice place to hide from it - we’re just that cool. In general, things were pretty good although the food poisoning on the flight home was somewhat unneeded.

Shockingly, I think that was the worst “injury” the whole trip. For some reason Ralph and I figured we’d go onto the glacier with a bunch of people then ski as fast as possible while trying to grab each others hats. Yeah… it’s not as easy as it sounds. When you go shooting past someone, by the time you’ve got their hat, your body is miles away and it usually results in you *and* the person who’s hat is being grabbed ending up in a nice big heap. Still, it was fun.

So, moving on, in my pants today:

• It is 28F (-2.2C for Id and Craig) here right now and that’s just a teensy bit cold. Still not snowing though… This displeases Me.
• Hannah and I have decided that Hebrew sounds nicer than English for certain things so we use a mix of the two languages. I think the best thing about it is the confused looks we get off people… Or when they try and copy and get it horrifically wrongI’m not going to use names because it might embarrass Nick and I’m far too nice for that. One afternoon, Nick was feeling a little bit left out and so I agreed to teach him something really basic… I think for a minute and then say:

  “barukh attah adonai eloheinu melekh ha-olam borei peri hagafen”
  (It’s a blessing thingy… and the first thing I ever learned)

  “Hah, this is easy” Nick says and he starts… “Barukh attah adonai eloheinu melonheartalong borei peri hagafen”

  Well. I don’t think there’s a lot else to be said there. *ahem*

• As a joke, Bradley invited me to go play ice hockey with him and some of his friends thinking that I’d say no. You know how it is… Ice, sticks and skates are really very scary. Anyway, I said yes (because I’m cool like that) and now I think he thinks I’m a boy. Or something.
• I want snow, I want snow, I want snow. Where the hell is my snow?!
• At the moment, I feel the need to knit a very big sweater. For those of you who don’t watch anything worth watching on TV and don’t understand, click. That said, I’m hoping to be taking a sneaky little trip to visit a mystery guy… And I’m not going to say anything else about that.
• Oh, while we’re on the subject of trips, am I the only person in the world who *hates* English tourists? I was sitting eating breakfast in a non-tourist place (you know, places where it doesn’t cost 3,000 dollars for juice and the food is actually good) in a non-tourist area (well, as non tourist as you can get in Manhattan) when a group of English people walk in. I then spend the next half hour listening to them discussing the finer points of French Toast and how French Toast is something different there. Things moved along as their food arrived and they started commenting on how they get given so much food here, they’re not surprised American’s are fat. These were some enormous tourists who could give any “large” American a run for their money… And, after all that complaining, they ate everything put in front of them… Morons.Don’t even get me started on how rude they are. Walking along the street through a bunch of English people is more dangerous than the Pamplona bull run. I think the need to shove people is genetic or something.

  Not only that but who the hell wears a fanny pack?

Ah, its good to be back *and* bitter.

Gone Fishin’

…well, snowboarding, actually.

So until I get back, here is a very shortened version of my next post:
I get a roommate.
There’s a little Wii-ing in Times Square
Things get a little dirty at work
The trip almost gets cancelled
I brave travel with the gruppen fuhrer (otherwise known as mommy)
…and if I take any, I’ll post some photos of Switzerland.

See you in a week!

Rappers, Birdie Bits and a whole lot of shivering

I warn you before I even start, this post isn’t going to be much more than words falling out my brain (Or fingers if I’m typing?)… Its an exercise in procrastination

I don’t know if I’m the only one who’s noticed it but New York has suddenly turned very cold. So cold, in fact, I’ve been rather tempted to wear my bed outside. I’ll admit though, from under 16 layers of clothes and a three scarves, I love the winter. I always feel like I have more energy when its cold, plus, the clothes are so much nicer and more comfortable than in the summer. I’ll take this opportunity to mention that I grew up in Australia where you’re lucky to have three snowflakes every 5 or so years so living in NY (where you get some REAL snow. Well, without having to fly for 1000 hours to get it is) is still quite a novelty for me.

I did find though, one morning when I was on my way home from work, my fingers got so cold, I couldn’t scroll up or down on my iPod. Click wheels apparently need heat - something I don’t store too well. I could really use some gloves (mom - hint hint hint) or a coffee (Nick - hint hint hint).

Anyway, moving on, I woke up this morning with a crumpled copy of New Scientist stuck to my face (I suppose that’s a geek version of falling asleep while looking at porn) and the horrific smell of dead animal drifting through my apartment. Given the fact I live with two dogs, I was somewhat concerned one of them had decided to, well… you know. Nevertheless, with a little looking around, I found the older dog snoring on my now dead feet and the puppy tucked in the other side of my bed* giving me the “yes? May I help you?” look.

So, being super and such, I peel the magazine off my face (leaving most of the print on my cheek), flick the dog off my feet and hobble downstairs to find out what smells so… Fragrant. Lets just say, there were rather a lot of “chunks” of what looks as though it may have been a bird scattered about the place with some very clear little paw prints running through the blood. Paw prints, which belong to my 10″ tall puppy…

The only way she could have gotten hold of the bird would have been to snatch it off one of the window ledges and drag it inside. See, the whole reason I have dogs is because they’re NOT SUPPOSED TO CATCH BIRDS AND BRING THEM IN but it would seem I actually bought a cat-dog by the name of Bojangles. Anyway, I cleaned things up (rather well I might add) and then went back to bed… Well, I tried. Just as I was going back to sleep, the covers moved and Bo emerged from hiding, her snout and paws crispy with dried birdie blood, to proudly present me with a bloody bird wing, which she dropped right into my hand.

ANYBODY WANT TO BUY A CAT-DOG?

Note: I got some revenge on lady Bo by dropping her into a bath to decrisp her. I’m sure smelling like flowers and being all clean and fluffy isn’t quite how a savage beast would like to look. *snicker* I also really wish I’d taken some photos because when you drop a spaniel in water, they lose about 2/3 of their size until they’re dry again… Its all the fur, you see.

On a final note (as I can’t avoid doing my toxicology stuff any longer), I will leave you with this video which shows exactly why I think rappers are douche bags. Click. I’m not exactly sure who Kanye West is but he seems to make a pretty big ass out of himself there… Anyway, knock yourselves out.

Oh, and even more finally, everyone with a mac *needs* to download Inquisitor and anyone without a mac *needs* to buy one just so they can use it. Enjoy.

*I will be washing my sheets later. In fact, I might just burn them and buy new ones.

Hula girls, jewel encrusted structures and a whole lot of Percocet

For some strange reason I didn’t want to take a week off work last week but, having spent all night working (and all morning not sleeping), I’m not really sure why… Anyway, a result of this ponderance and many others, I am now sitting at my computer (technically, under it as I use a laptop) blogging for you people. So really, I suppose a nice place to start for this week/month/year is at the beginning, however, the beginning is boring so we will begin with the middle… isn’t that lovely?

My mother, the grupenfuhrer, sent me to the scareport at times when only the insane (or working) are awake to pick up her friend. It might have been her friend but you know, at difficult times of day, it’s easier just to inflict pain on your daughter instead of doing things for yourself. So, into my stinky car (which now smells of bubblegum) for a looooooong drive to JFK… iTrip, iPod, car radio? Whatever.

So, I’m standing around waiting to meet her (with my bright pink hair) and the large, jewel encrusted structure *cough* I mean, my moms friend comes waddling up to me followed by a tall, reasonably plain looking guy dragging what looks like half of Europe packed into cases. I later found out the boy was in fact her son but more about that later…

“Oh Ana… You look [pause] different”
“Thanks, I just got new hair”
“Uh yeah… so anyway, where is your car?”

We walk to the car in silence and the baggage monkey follows. He helps her put the bags in the trunk and jumps into the back seat… Considering that the bejewelled structure, eee sorry again, mom’s friend has failed to even acknowledge him, I find this a little strange. The silence continues until we’re out of the airport and heading back into the city when…

“YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY! I NEED TO STOP OFF AT MY FRIENDS HOUSE FIRST”
“Riiiiiiiiiiight, where is your friend?”
“Near Long Island” she says shrieking at me to turn here. Since when was I a taxi driver? Oh, and she still hasn’t explained the boy in the back of my car!

Eventually, we pull up to a house (after she yells “stop right here”) and she jumps out, rummages around in the trunk and then disappears inside (the house not the trunk, sadly).

“I’m sorry about her… Moms always like that” He speaks!!!
“Its okay” I reply lying though gritted teeth. I get no answer but at least I now know he’s her son and not a kidnapper/keeper/parole officer.

The structure reappears, jumps into the car hard enough that I swear she could have burst the tires and off we go again. At various places she yells at me to stop before running (more of a penguin type waddle) into a number of houses. I finally decide that, after an hour of this, I really needed to get back home. I told her mom was waiting and needed us to hurry up so we couldn’t stop again. Her protests were ignored as I turned the radio up and put my foot down. Sweeeeeeeeeet.

So after breaking a few speed limits and running a couple of stop signs (not really), we’re back in Manhattan and almost at my moms apartment when the beast makes the whole experience even MORE exciting… She tries to set me up with her semi-invisible son. (For the record Stacey, I made my excuses and said no… there may or may not be another boy in the picture).

On another, more positive note, I can just about manage to talk to my father without feeling quite so disgusted. In fact, he bought me the ultimate in gross for my car… A hula girl. I looooooooove her so much! I think everyone should have one. I do, however, worry that he thinks I’m really male (Boys wear skirts too, right David? *wink*) as my gift was accompanied by car shampoo, wax and other assorted car cleaning products. On the other hand though, it was pretty damn satisfying to clean my own car… A little too satisfying if you ask me…

Those two things combined where in fact, the highlights of my week. Actually, when I think about it… spending a few days whacked out on moon juice (percocet) was also reasonablllllly good although not very exciting for the onlookers. In my mind though, my days were full of sparkly horses (unicorns maybe), glitter, cake and most of all loincloths. Stacks of them to be exact… No one to wear them though, sadly.

Realizing I haven’t actually explained the week off work or the moon juice, I’m now going to be very vague and shady with the circumstances surrounding the issue. At this point, Craig, I feel the need to make it clear that all of this stuff was reasonably innocent before you go off fantasising about naked beavers… I will go as far as to say, it involved screws (the kind you use to hold together your furniture NOT the reproductive kind), Nicholas, 10 stitches, three x-rays and an assortment of different flavours of moon juice. Add to that a fungal infection in my mouth (from my inhaler, you dirty thing, you) and I was having quite a party.

As a side note, live yogurt not only causes me to gag but it turns my thoughts to matters of yogurt men living in my stomach. They’d have cities, play drums and run around a campfire… Uhhhh, maybe the yogurt was a little bit old.

Also, I feel I should share last night at work with you… For this week, and this week alone, I have a n00blet following me around. The idea is that she’ll see what I do and then want to take my place when I finally leave next year (yays… more about that later). I remember my first day with Nick. He sent me to look get him “the gloves with spots on.” Being eager to please, I happily bounced off to discover, after 10 minutes of searching, no such thing as latex gloves with spots on. So as this little memory appeared at the most perfect of times… guess what I did.

“Kaydence… could you please go and get me the gloves with the spots on?”

It was a little bit funny but since it had been used, I really felt as though I should create something new, just for her. It worked as follows… As I saw Nick walking up the hall, I commented to her that he didn’t work here although he’d tell everyone he did. He even had a fake ID and really, the only way to remove him was to tackle him first. She nodded and we formulated a plan to “take him down.” It worked rather well, I thought… It was also a great way to introduce her to Nicholas. At least he won’t forget her in a hurry *innocent smile*

I rather like having my own partner in crime.

I hate the place I work right now but I know I only have until next May (or so) until I can go and do something else. My boss has suddenly changed his mind on being nice and has scheduled me to work at awkward times so I can’t go to my EMT classes or have any free time to myself to do other things. I talked to him and all he could say was “we’ll discuss it at the end of the month” when he knows full well that I’ll be away. (I’m going skiing for thanksgiving). Only 7 months, only 7 months, only 7 months….

Oh, and finally, my phone got caught in my laundry pile and ended up going into the washing machine. The whole thing is completely and utterly borked so it looks like I’ll be buying a new, wash proof phone… Any suggestions?

Someone give me a hug

A couple of days ago, some moronic teenager punched out my car window in an attempt to look cool, as you do… It’s not great when you want to go to work but it’s not the end of the world. Since the whole plastic taped over the window look isn’t exactly the kind of thing I was going for (and its far too cold to have the window open) I called the place I got it from and they said they’d come get it the next day, fix it and bring it back. Excellent, I thought as I hurried downstairs to remove the balled up Kleenex and empty coffee cups from my car… See what a kind and considerate person I am?

So, the next day, a man appears at my door, takes the key and steals my car for a little while. The morning he left, the car had 3/4 of a tank of gas… When it was returned this afternoon, there was barely 1/4 left. Not only that, they’d retuned my radio, covered the car in dust/dirty and someone had smoked in there (No one EVER smokes in my car, EVER). Oh, and finally, before I forget, these morons seem to have wiped their oily, greasy hands ALL OVER MY CREAM LEATHER SEATS.

As soon as I’m less inclined to inflict pain on the ape that inflicted such harm on my car, I’m going to call them and make a very very very big deal out of it. I even have photos and everything…

I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW.

On another note, the searches leading people to my blog this month seem to be slightly more interesting. They are as follows:

“Eat the strawberries”

Penis drawings (of course, I had to get those penis drawings in there somewhere)

Cheerios

“Kid was so fat”

Penis gore - I think of all of them, I find this the most worrying.

Oh, and on a final note, the cold is making my ribs sore… I feel like a creaky old lady.

Lame.

A little pretty

Penis drawings, adult footise pyjamas and birthday surprizes for those unable to flirt

As I sit here and write this, my puppy is alternating between sitting on my shoulder and lying on my arms as she oversees my work. Okay, as she watches the cursor move across the screen. In dog world though, aren’t they the same thing?

There are some very strange people visiting my blog at the moment. In the time since my last post, I have had:

• Nine people searching for “Penis drawings”
• Three people searching for “Adult footsie pyjamas”
• One person looking for “Plans for birthday surprizes”
• One person searching “unable to flirt”

To those searching for penis drawings, may I recommend the New York Subway, the desks at my college or maybe even just take a little walk down a darkened alley. Be sure to take an adult with you to hold your hand though kids, there are some mean penis drawings out there..

For the three people who found my blog searching for adult footsie pyjamas, perhaps this is what you were looking for. I’m not sure they sell the ones with floppy bunny ears and a tail but I’m sure it’s worth a shot. If any of you are looking to impress someone special in those raunchy pyjamas of yours, they do them in leopard print too! Hell, why not even get them as a little birthday surprise for someone… Surprise…? yes. Good surprise…? maybe not.

Finally, for Mr lonely, I’m sure you can find a starting point to get to know one of the many people who have come here in the hope they’ll find a phallic drawing. Keep on hoping guys, you sure won’t find one here.

And now onto far more pressing matters. A little over a week ago, I was having one of those days (you know… the ones where you go to work) and my iPod decided it had finally had enough of being poked, prodded and filled with Linux so it decided to die on me. I tried to reset, update and restore but nothing worked. One day outside of the guarantee and he was gone.

I’m sure apple have some sort of remote “iPod crippling” device that kills them off so you have to buy a new one. I mean really, who can live without a little music on the way to and from work? So anyway, the next morning, I pootled off to the apple store and handed over my credit card (which at the time was screaming) in exchange for a shiny new ear friend. I am now the proud new owner of a remastered iPod Nano. The photos don’t really do it justice, they’re really rather cute.

A few thoughts on my new toy are as follows:

1. The new packaging is far better. No ugly silver foil envelopes you just can’t open without scissors, no 100 different sections to root through before you find what you want… Just plain, hot, beautiful packaging.
2. new headphones. I *still* think they look as though they have some kind of genetic disorder, however, the grey bits are now soft rubber and the sound is much better than the old ones. They’re more comfy too.
3. the new casing of the iPod its self. It looks much, much, much better “in person” than in photos as you can actually appreciate how tiny it really is. There’s none of that iPod mini clunkiness going on… Nope.

   On the downside though, the layout on the bottom of the nano is different so the previous headphones (the ones that you can hang around your neck) and such don’t quite fit which is slightly annoying. You choice of color is also limited by the size of the iPod you want to buy, for example, the 8GB nano only comes in black and the 2GB is only in silver.

4. the brighter screen. I’m really not sure what’s going on here. Its possible I’m just completely blind but I’m really not seeing the difference. Okay, well, I am but its so minute, its more likely to be due to the fact the screen on my old iPod is filthy.
5. Search! Finally! I cannot tell you how long I’ve waited for a search feature on an iPod. Its cute, well integrated and works brilliantly. Very, very fast too. No complaints here!
6. Letters when you’re scrolling. When you scroll through your song list reasonably fast, a grey, semi-transparent box appears showing the letter you’re browsing through… VEEEEEEEERY useful if you’re looking for something and keep missing songs starting with “m” etc… You get the idea.
7. The battery life… holy mother of God, I’ve been listening to my iPod for 6 or 7 hours now and the battery meter at the top isn’t even 1/4 of the way down. That ladies and gentlemen is impressive.

-fin-

Things in general, though, seem to be at a total standstill. I’m stuck trying to find entertainment to pass the time until I can leave New York and study abroad. I’m certain my current job is not something I really want to continue for the rest of my life although I can just about bear it until I leave next summer… Besides, money is money no matter which sin you stab in the butt to get it.

Money however, cannot buy you out of boredom or insomnia. Thankfully, for that there is Java and Ruby as well as physics and math - Did I mention I wear my pants up to my armpits, have milk bottle glasses and snort when I laugh? Okay, not quite but one day… One day, I will turn into a geekified version of my mother. (That blood-curdling scream you just heard? Yeah, that was me realizing my fate!)

In my very loose pants:

• I have finally learned about Male Restroom Etiquette thanks to this informative YouTube video. Go on, give it a try… Apparently peeing is somewhat complicated for the simple minded half of the species
• I swear to God, I’m not a man hater, just a man not interesteder. For now at least, until someone utterly incredible, gorgeous and rich (joke) comes along, I will have nothing to do with penis “graced” humans on any level above that of a friend. On second thoughts, maybe I’ll add penis “graced” dogs to my list as well… No one likes to go to a friends place and leave with sticky shoes.
• I’m really rather tempted to take part in NaNoWriMo. Who says writing a novel in a month isn’t possible? Uh… me. Besides, who would want to read 175 pages of my ramblings?
• My mother will never continue to amaze me. After spending a few (maybe 6+ a day) working when I really didn’t need to be, I feel a bit run down. My mom of course, is there to help me a little bit as she stands making helpful comments such as “Ana you look really bad, you should go to bed” but then watching me as I struggle to put the sheets on so I can in fact, get some sleep.
• Hopefully, I’ll have a new car by the weekend, which of course, is incredibly useful when I live in Manhattan and drive maybe once or twice a month. That won’t stop me though. Turning down the offer of a free car is insane and I therefore refuse to do so. My logic is, as ever, utterly flawless.

…and now to return to the joys of New York living. Take out sushi!

Two Jewish mothers

My new asthma meds are kicking my butt today so instead of running around saving the world (from what, I don’t know…) I’m sitting here writing a new blog post. On the bright side though, my inhaler is now purple and has a little counter so I can see how much is left… Its all pretty nifty…

It seems that ever since I came up with the “anyone with a penis will be shot” rule, the penis endowed folk of New York are determined to prove me right. I think most girls would agree with me in saying that men simply don’t “do” hints but what happens when they simply don’t “do” more obvious than being smacked in the face with a brick?

I cannot even begin to describe how fed up I am of a select group of people who just don’t get it. For starters, I explained to one person why I wasn’t interested in being anything more than friends eleven times and judging by the message I got this morning, I’d say he still doesn’t quite understand. I suppose its my fault though, the words, “I’m not interested in dating you” are obviously far too ambiguous. The same goes for the guy who sends me photos of himself at the gym to show how much he’s “working out for me…” because of course, sending me pictures of that pale jelly belly of yours is riddled with sex appeal. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous.

As a little side note, Stacey also made a post about the rule on her blog which makes for some pretty good reading. Click it, go on, I dare you (but not until you’re done with my blog).

…and now, onto a little bit about a boy I do like… but only really to embarrass him. A few days ago I was sitting “studying” (it usually means talking to people on MSN, reading a book or doing some serious photoshopping) and Danny calls me from the other room and says: “Uhh um er oh, Anaaaaaaa, Bojangles has your, um, you know…” At first, I really was totally innocent and asked him what she had only to be met with the reply “your… you know… things” which is as ever, very descriptive and helpful…until I realized he was just too embarrassed to say “tampon.” I’m a really nice person so I thought I’d make him say it for my own personal enjoyment. The conversation went a little like this:

Ana “everything in here is mine, Daniel, what are you on about”
Daniel “Your…. you know… THINGS”
Ana“DANNY WOULD YOU TELL ME WHAT THING THE DOG IS CHEWING”
Daniel “you know… those things you use sometimes”
Ana“I use lots of things sometimes”
Daniel “for you know… girl problems…”
Ana“Oh my chocolate? You should really take that off her, its not good for her”
Daniel “No, the other things…”
Ana“WHAT THINGS”
Daniel “Ana just come and look at it”
Ana“why don’t you take it off her if it bothers you so much”
Daniel “Its… a you know… girl thing”
Ana“My lip gloss? Eye liner? purse? MY WHAT DANIEL”
Daniel “Ana your…” *small voice* “tampon”

…if only it wasn’t so fun to do that to him. And now to share a little of what’s in my pants… as always:

• After months and months and months of learning how to fly, I finally have my pilots license. Yays! Now all I have to do is find somewhere to fly to.. Hmm
• Since my last post, I have had nine hits from people searching for “penis drawings” and three from people searching “giant penis.” If you’re wondering, they’re finding the post Penis Drawings and Giant Kangaroos each time.
• I ran half a mile, jumped one wall and three benches while wearing 2″ heels with pointy toes in order to regain control of my passport which, as everybody knows, contains the least flattering photograph of me, ever.
• I’m considering making some kind of “art” out of the many inhalers I seem to have lying around my apartment. The sooner I never ever have to see/use one ever again, the better. Plus… you know.. they give you funny budges when they’re in your pocket.
• My week has had a definite vomit/slime theme to it starting with the lovely person who barfed onto my shoes (where it then soaked onto the inside) which was then closely followed by slipping on some slime in the nastiest, dirtiest crack house on the planet and putting my ungloved hand in a nice little puddle of ice cold, semi digested carrot chunks. Finally, yesterday, things were topped off with some autopsy induced nausea although it was the n00bs, not mine… I’m getting pretty good at deducing what someone has been eating… I’m sure its useful… for something?
• I’ve been suffering hives all week… I’m itchy. Could someone pleeeeeeease scratch my back!
• I started reading Catch 22 this week and have fallen totally in love with it. Now all I need is someone to donate me a few hours to finish it… If you have any spare time you’re not going to use, feel free to mail it to me
• I’m started teaching some of my moms friends kids (and their friends) ASL this week. Their mom is almost the definition of a Jewish mother, just like mine. And because she’s both Jewish and like my mother, she kept trying to feed me cinnamon balls and honey cake (none of which I tried very hard to resist… We all know Jew food is the nicest thing ever!) while commenting “Oy, you’re so thin… you’re just skin and bones… doesn’t your bother ever feed you?”

The calorific floating shoe

I’ve been awake since about 4:30 thanks to my delightful new doglet, Bojangles. She’s around 6 inches tall, brunette and enjoys long walks on the beach… Seriously though, the micro dog has a thing for shoes, as does any real lady, only these are my shoes.

Last night I put both my shoes on the floor but seconds later, I was left with one and without a dog. After much rummaging, the shoe was nowhere to be seen and I gave up looking… Until this morning. Its hard to ignore the fact something is hitting your bed hard enough to make it shake so I reached out to feel whatever it was; Cold, wet something or another, lumpy rubber something else, long thing stringy thingy… My shoe is attacking my bed? Of all things my shoe? In a somewhat sleepy effort to cure it, I grabbed the shoe and pulled it, complete with attached puppy, onto my stomach… Catching Bojangles was slightly like trying to grab hold of a greased pig. As I write this, she’s chasing the mouse pointer around the screen and attacking my fingers as I type. She’s a smart one, she is.

Anyway, now I’m awake, I may as well get on with writing a halfway decent post… I’m working today (although you wouldn’t know it) with my new partner, Mark because Nick is being a BIG FAT ATTENTION WHORE. Earlier in the week, Nick had some more head related “issues” so he can’t work for a little while… I actually think it’s just an excuse because he’s too embarrassed to admit his brain fell out while he was in the shower but anyway… Judging by the number of “SOS Send steak” text messages I’ve gotten from him, I’m sure he’s getting better so he can come save me from a few of Marks finest jokes… Let me share one of his most recent attempts at humor:

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need”. “I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure.” said officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Davidson) and he’s…just working away at this pumpkin.” Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’ He got real surprised as you’d expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,

“A pumpkin? Damn… is it midnight already?”

I’m almost at a point where I don’t blame him for making jokes like that. Things have been so quiet recently we have to entertain ourselves somehow… and this leads me onto the story of a lesser-known pirate, Seamen Stains. Things were getting pretty boring and, as the new guy hadn’t really been harassed yet, I took it upon myself to make sure he was… You know how it is. Thanks to my quick thinking and origami skills, I made myself a nice pirate hat and ran over to him going “Arrr I be seamen stains” *snicker snicker* Mature? Me? Always.

Although, I have a bone to pick with guys in general… Before I begin, I must mention that all abuse regarding this issue should be directed at Stacey, my partner in crime.

We have a rule.. Its called the “Anyone with a penis will be shot” rule. Most guys, in New York at least, appear to have some “asshole” quality built right in… There are varying types of penis-graced asshole so lets see…

1. The older and very married man - he seems to think affairs are both acceptable and necessary, especially with younger girls. If he is confronted about wanting an affair, he’s quite happy to pin it on the fact “she’s just so hot…” as you do.
2. The one who just can’t take a hint even if it smacks him in the face - that’s right, when we say we’re not interested, we don’t mean keep telling us until we want to smack you in the face with a brick.
3. That guy you work with who knows what he’s saying is inappropriate but he’ll carry on anyway - who knows, it might make you like him (if you’re really that stupid…)

…actually its just easier to say, at least 95% of guys, if not more… And on that note, if you think you’re in that other 5%, you’re very much mistaken. I don’t hate all guys, just most of them *innocent grin*

But now on to far more important things… The things that are in… *drum roll* MY PANTS!

• I am suffering from a severe craving for oranges and orange juice… I’m almost certain that if I eat any more, I will in fact turn into one but as Alex said, its probably from the alien baby (he’s a geek, his imagination is limited) I’m apparently carrying
• I’ve lost so much weight, a size 0 is starting to get just a little bit too big so I can no longer buy pants to fit my chicken legs or wear skirts without looking as though I have string hanging from them. Steroids are bad mmmmkay?
• I require much calorie enriched goodness in the form of; rocky road, honey cake and other assorted Jew food, krispy kremes, chocolate milkshakes, hot chocolate (with marshmallow and cream, obviously) and a vast array of candy… Please donate to stop me disappearing (or punching people who ask if I’m anorexic and then believe I’m in denial when I tell them I’m fine).
• I’m back at college having my mind expertly numbed by a team of sharp witted professors (some sarcasm should be noted).
• I’ve completely taken my apartment to pieces in order to rid myself of the crap that builds up and found a few rather unusual items in the form of: an old year book, a cast of my teeth from when I was a geek with braces (now I’m just a geek with great teeth) and letters from people I wasn’t even aware I knew.

Finally, hi Cindi!

*shuffles slowly away*

I can seeeeeeee you

I was looking through the visitors on my blog earlier and this person, visits every day! If thats you, leave a comment ’cause I’m curious to know who my “fan” is!!!

Host Name 165.206.16.130
IP Address 165.206.16.130
ISP IOWA COMMUNICATIONS NETWORK
Domain IA.US
City DES MOINES
Region IOWA
Country UNITED STATES
Returning Visits 16

I’ve also found out, a lot of people are reaching my blog from googling the following:

1. penis drawings - I really hate to think what these people were expecting…
2. what does arribiata mean/
3. painter decorator
4. gavarilka
5. digging for severage
6. ashley peachy ass - I’m not even going to ask…